So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee