So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
mariah carrie