My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines