Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*frowns in Scottish*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY