Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you