Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.