Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The booster protects against what, now?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.