sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not