I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
#catsoftwitter
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh