When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Happy weekend !
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines