[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?