Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
*skinny dips into black hole
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.