*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.