My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
This was my dad’s browser history.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.