The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
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I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.