Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes