First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Doctors texting each other.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*puts cutlery down*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.