Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement