“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
You Might Also Like
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.