angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I think this cat is broken
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage