10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.