My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Swedish for common sense.
Haha! 😂
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I am also baked goods
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter