I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*