My birthstone is a marshmallow
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.