Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
You Might Also Like
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head