{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Single and childfree like Jesus
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator