Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……