Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther