So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.