Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
me irl
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.