Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.