[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When someone says you are so lazy
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide