There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees