Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY