Only short people can save us
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine