[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Bike for sale
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower