Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot