Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
SF is the wild wild west man
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too