Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
found this cool rock hiking today
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*