ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I bet
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know