Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
This week’s mood.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.