WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
You Might Also Like
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
what the
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
This made me smile…
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it