girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
(yawn)
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.