Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them