me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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also my go-to takeaway order
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*3.5 thank you very much.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.