Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Just had my nails done!
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata