MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
January has been Januweary
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I just tested negative for patience.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly