Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Breaking news:
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!