Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in