Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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There is no “we” in chocolate.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield